Hello, slattern -- Getting dressed : how to properly hide your shame -- Bowels into buckets : nature is an obscene caller -- The treacherous art of bathing -- Menstruation : you're doing it wrong -- Diet : you're a little bag of pudding -- Beauty : scorch, slather, and stuff -- Courtship : not-talking your way into his heart -- The wedding night, or : A bad bit of bumbo -- Birth control and other affronts to God -- Being a good wife : how to avoid his eventual resentment for as long as possible -- Running a proper household : the gentle art of dictatorship -- Public behavior : avoiding scorn, dangers, and museums -- It's hysterical : the least funny thing about Victorian life -- The secret vice : "Where warts and tiny nipples come from" -- Conclusion : I miss pants.